Confessions of a 26-year-old Female Porn Writer

I write porn for a living.

	I am not talking about erotica.
	I am not talking about literature.

Oh, I write that too, the serious stuff
the literary stuff
the stuff I can't show my mother but I can take to class
the stuff, sex stuff, that I can put on the net
that I can sign my name to
that I can be political with
that I can try to change the world with
	try to get people talking
	about sex
	get them thinking
	about sex
	get them hot and bothered and hard and dripping and
	admitting
	that they like sex
	like reading about sex
	like thinking about sex
	like talking, out loud, about sex.

That part's easy.

All right, it's not easy.  
It bothers some people
and shocks others
and my mother now has something she can hold over me
until the day I die -- look what you're doing to your father!
But I have literature on my side.
	I have a book in respectable bookstores
	I have a reading at B. Dalton
	I have an ISBN number	
	I have this book in the Library of Congress
and so I can tell you with confidence that this is serious literature
serious shit
	and the ACLU 
	and the feminists 
	and the lesbians 
	and the whole left-wing is pretty much on my side.
That is a formidable army.

The porn is another story.

Let me tell you about the porn.
I write it for Puritan, for Sizzle, for Red Light.
I'd write for Penthouse if they'd buy it;
I might even write it for Hustler.

The porn is not about sex and character
The porn is not about sex and stylistic variation
The porn is not about literary explorations of sexuality.

The porn is just about sex.
The porn is just sex.

The porn is cocks and cunts and breasts and thighs
The porn is thrusting and dripping and pinning her down
The porn is holding her hands up above her head while 
	he fucks her brains out
	and she fucks her ass
	and you, yeah, you, fuck her mouth and then come on her face
The porn will fuck her until she is used up and exhausted
	and still wet, still dripping, still hungry for more.

The porn is not politically correct.
The porn is not ethically correct.
The porn that gets me off
	is hard and strong and dripping wet
	and is emphatically
	non-consensual

The porn is unsigned, unnamed, practically unknown
The porn is a cursed untouchable in the civil rights world
	the ACLU shuns it
	the lesbians read it in the dark, under the covers
	the feminists want to burn it
	and the left wing is embarrassed that it exists.

That is the kind of shit I write.
That is the kind of shit I don't put my name on.
That is the kind of shit that I do mostly for the money
	which would make me the worst kind of whore
	the kind who'll fuck anything, anywhere
	if it pays well enough, no matter how dry her cunt is...

	But my cunt is not dry.
	My cunt is dripping.
	I am rocking in my chair,
	writing those fucking words,
	those devoid-of-literary-aspirations words
	those mostly for the money, but partly for the sex
		words.

And I am hot
and wet
and eager
and dying

And that
is what makes it all
worthwhile.

*****
M.A. Mohanraj
May 18, 1998



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